A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
