you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
