I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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