wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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