i barfeds in our rink
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
