whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Randomize
