He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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