3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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