So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
