don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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