That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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