I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
How's work?
Spinning.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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