Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
