i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
