i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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