I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
