Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
