i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
