Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
