FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
