My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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