when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
