I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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