So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
