He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
