Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish you could order shots online.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
