im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
