he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
