Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
