ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
