Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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