i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
