Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
