Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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