My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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