I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
