Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
