I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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