Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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