Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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