so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
zippers are such a cool invention
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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