The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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