we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
