I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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