Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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