You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
