why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
only you would photoshop your dick
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
