Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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