I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
