so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
