Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
