I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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