When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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