U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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