1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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