dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
