rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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