You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
