life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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