I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
