i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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