I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
