I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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